The Great Undebated: Rudd and Abbott on climate change

"You call that a slogan? I'll show you a &^%ing slogan."

Kevin Rudd was disappointed when Tony Abbott failed to show up for the debate he’d unilaterally called for at the Press Club recently. But fear not. The Observerant has managed to get its hands on the lost transcript of what would have been said, had it happened.

Moderator: Let’s start with each of you explaining your respective climate change policies.

Tony Abbott (TA): Yes, let’s talk about the Big Fat Carbon Tax™, Mr Rudd.

Kevin Rudd (KR): Gladly. And please, call me Kevin. The Royal Baby does, so too the President of-
TA: Just get on with it.
KR: Fine. I’ve made a decision to terminate the carbon tax and bring forward the move to an Emissions Trading Scheme.

TA: Why?

KR: Because I’m acting decisively. I'm consulting myself before I make any decisions and this is one of them. The Australian People deserve that.

TA: But what’s the point of ending the fixed price period, I mean - the Big Fat Carbon Tax™ - a year early?

KR: So I can relieve industry of some of the cost pressures, and deliver real outcomes for Working Families™ who are doing it tough.

TA: [shuffles papers]. You…just…stole my lines!

KR: Now that you raise your lines/slogans/empty words Tony, tell us, what’s your policy on the climate issue?

TA: The Coalition has a Real Solution. It’s outlined in my Real Solutions Plan.

KR: So what is it then?

TA: It’s a Direct Action Policy.

KR: [flicks through Real Solutions]. I can’t seem to find that in your Real Solutions Plan Tony.

TA: No, it’s not detailed there. You’ll have to Google it and find it on Greg Hunt’s website.

KR: So what is the plan then? 

TA: The Coalition is going to do the things that really work to reduce carbon emissions, so we can protect our planet for our children and our children’s children-

TA’s media advisor: Sorry Mr Abbott, I think I accidently got President Obama’s speech notes mingled with yours…

TA: Christ. Ok. Where was I? [Looks down at newly arrived pages]. Aaahh yes. I was talking about a so-called market in the non-delivery of an invisible substance to no one.

KR: What does that even mean Tony?

TA: It’s a sentence filled with double-negatives, with no mention of ‘no’.

KR: So what’s your PLAN?

TA: The carbon tax – the Big Fat Carbon Tax- will be gone under the Coalition.

KR: It’s gone now, Tony. I’ve already terminated it. [Gestures to young woman in audience] Oh, is that a smart phone in your pocket? 
Girl in audience: Ummm...
KR: Selllfiiiie time folks! Excuse us Tony...

TA: We don’t believe in an Emissions Trading Scheme either. THAT won’t happen under a Coalition government that I lead.

CROWD: [Chants]:  TURNBULL!  TURNBULL! TURNBULL! 

TA: We’re also going to plant trees – 20 million of them in fact – to soak up all the carbon being emitted by the dirty polluters. And we’ll establish an Emissions Reduction Fund to pay for farmers to store carbon in soil.

KR: How does that work?

TA: Look, I’m not…heh heh heh….purporting to be the world’s most informed person on this stuff – but look, it’s like the soil is a sink, and we can tip the carbon in there…

KR: So you’re not doing anything punitive to the big polluters? No need for them to buy permits to emit CO2? No cost pressure to change their dirty, stinking habits?

TA: That’s right. Industry needs incentives, not sticks. We’ve got to remember that there’s no climate without an economy. And looking around the world, our Direct Action Policy is consistent with what the other big Western economies are doing…

KR: Yes, well. Why wouldn’t Australia follow America and Europe? I mean, they did so well comparative to Australia in keeping their economies afloat during the GFC. Ha ha ha. I’d just like to remind the Australian People that when I was the PM – the first time-

AUDIENCE: [Groaning]. NOOOO! Don’t mention how you saved us from the bloody GFC again!

Moderator: So Kevin, you’re bringing forward the ETS, which means less cost to energy companies, which should reduce the price of electricity for households. So you’ll scrap the ‘carbon compensation’ package, right?

KR: Wrong.

TA: How do you justify compensating households when the carbon tax no longer exists?

KR: The same way you do, Tony. Suicide. Political. Get it? The folks at home, doing it tough, they need the Household Assistance Package to buy that extra plasma TV.

TA:  How will Labor pay for this?

KR: By terminating the automatic 20 per cent perk for FBT car use.

TA: You're making people fill out logbooks to count kms? 
KR: Yes, but-
Joe Hockey [interjecting]: 1998 called and wants its red tape dispenser back!

KR: Aaaah heeellloooo?? It’s 2013 Tony. They can download an App!

TA: You’ll devastate the car industry!

KR: It’s already devastated! [Clears throat]. Excuse me folks. Labor believes Australia is good at making things. We believe in our manufacturing sector. How are YOU going to pay for the carbon compo package?

TA: We’ll let the Australian People know that prior to the election.

KR: That’s now, Tony.  

TA: For f&^%s sake, just call the election date!

KR: Calm down you boxing Blue!

TA: Call the election date before I wring your Ruddy neck!

Rudd and Abbott descend into a wrestling match on the floor, pummelling each other with indistinguishable sound bites. 

Moderator: And that concludes the Climate Change debate. We hope you’ve gathered insights into the political and philosophical viewpoints of the major parties to help you make an informed decision at the election.