Monday, 4 July 2016

Leave Malcolm Turnbull alone!


Inspiration comes from the most unlikely of places.
I can’t stand it any longer. The continued, ‘stacks on’ style waves of abuse towards Malcolm Turnbull. He was too left. He was too right. He was too rich, too optimistic, too cynical, too lame, too ‘innovative’, too smooth, too lazy, too CEO-like, too willing to compromise. Basically, being Malcolm Turnbull – the best Prime Minister we’ve never yet had – totally sucks right now. Page after inglorious page, grab after glib grab, calling for him to be dismissed/resign/stand down/bring Tony back et ceteraet cetera. Judging by the News Limited pages, I may well be the lone voice of support for Malcolm in the entire country. My distress at the unfettered piling-on of vitriol towards the man who could make our country great if only he could break free of the conservative leash has reached a zenith, not unlike that of Chris Crocker’s “Leave Britney Alone” immortal YouTube plea circa 2007. Given my grief in this moment, forgive me for repurposing the transcript of that compelling outpouring of emotion against the Brittany Spears’ haters here for my own means. 

[SCENE OPENS TO SMUDGED AND RED EYES. HERALD SUN PAGES WITH HEADLINE ‘TURNBULL’S FINISHED!’ SPREAD OUT ON BED.] 

The world needs to know that Britney Malcolm Turnbull still has her his fans. Britney Malcolm needs to know that she he still has her his fans. 

How fucking DARE anyone out there make fun of Britney Malcolm after all she’s he’s been through?! She He lost her his voice aunt and Wyatt Roy and she went through a divorce he was totally castrated from doing anything resembling policy-making by the right wing nutbags! She has two fucking kids So what if he’s rich? Do you think just because Bill Shorten can’t pronounce with without sounding like whiff that he didn’t go to a top tier private school and had all the trappings of a blue blooded (not collared) upbringing? Her husband Tony Abbott turned out to be a user, a cheater, and now Brittany’s Malcom’s going to go through a custody leadership battle! 

All you people care about is Bernardi, Andrews and your wounded bird Tony Abbott and and making money off of her Malcolm out to be the scapegoat for the most diabolical first term (yeah Malcolm was at the helm for only eight months of it you losers) government that ever was. SHE’S HE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realise is that Britney’s Malcolm’s making you all this money saved your bacon from political oblivion and all you do is just write a bunch of crap about her him. She So he wasn’t dripping in the requisite humility and hand-wringing we’ll do better, lots of lessons to learn here blah blah blah at 1.30am on the Election Night when he had the ‘flu and it’s been the longest campaign in history and still after all those weeks and hours there’s still no damn result and he can’t even crack the Moet and whip out that rousing speech he’d prepared nine years earlier. And some loser candidate somewhere wanted him to say sorry you lost your seat, with the operative words there being YOU and LOST and YOUR. So he didn’t behave like the performing seal that Alan Jones wanted him to, like Tones would have done, but don’t worry Jonesy, Tones trotted out the lines to the waiting media when he was pumping up his own (bicycle) tyres the next morning, giving a really good impression of someone who cared deeply that Wyatt and the Other Malcolm Sympathisers lost their seats. 

LEAVE HER HIM ALONE! YOU’RE LUCKY SHE HE EVEN PERFORMED STEPPED UP FOR YOU BASTARDS! LEAVE BRITNEY MALCOLM ALONE! Pleeeease. Paris Hilton Alan Jones talked about professionalism and said if Britney Malcolm was professional, she he would have pulled it off no matter what. Speaking of professionalism when is it professional to PUBLICLY BASH SOMEONE WHO’S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME and especially when that person is the current Prime Minister of Australia? LEAVE BRITNEY MALCOLM ALONE! PLEEEEASE. 

Leave Britney Spears Malcolm Turnbull alone right NOW! I mean it. Anyone who has a problem with her him has to deal with me. Because she’s he’s not well right now. He’s got the ‘flu and FFS, they’re not even going to be finished counting the votes for another bloody two weeks and then we’ll probably have another election because Australian voters might always get it right, but they didn’t get it right enough. [CAMERA CUTS TO TONY ABBOTT WINKING CREEPILY TO BOLT, JONES, BERNARDI, ET AL]. 

[CRIES DRAMATICALLY. PULLS COVERS BACK OVER HEAD]. 

[FADE OUT]. 

Diana Elliott is a freelance writer.