This week heralds the beginning of the Year of the Black
Water Snake in the Chinese zodiac. Given that China is our new BFF due to
single-handedly digging Australia (and all our mineral reserves) out of the
GFC, it seems appropriate to examine how the reptilian character from the
ancient zodiac may influence the behaviour of our pollies and this election
year.
Clearly, both Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott have been boning
up on their Chinese astrology, which describes the Snake as a calm, gentle
creature that will only attack if under threat or hungry. Julia has donned a
quieter, more deliberately pitched tone in her voice. And the glasses? Obviously, they’re a nod to the Year of the
Black Water Snake being ideal for “steady progress and attention to detail.”
The new specs will no doubt help her to keep an eagle eye on those pesky Rudd
agitators. Forget Kevin ’07. Gillard’s got this year’s mantra sorted and it
goes something like: “Kev’s a Has-Been in 2013”. Ok, it doesn’t rhyme as well,
but it fits the bill for being on-message.
Meanwhile in the off-season, the Opposition has clearly been
undertaking some high intensity training, which for their sakes, I hope didn’t
involve the use of peptides or human growth hormones. Another portent of the
Snake is “focus and discipline will be necessary for you to achieve what you
set out to create”. Malcolm Turnbull led the way – as most Australians wish
he’d get the chance to do for us all – with a trip to a Chinese doctor (you
getting the synergies here?). A few herbal concoctions and a fasting regime later,
saw him emerge trim, shiny-eyed and bushy tailed.
That route proved a bit drastic and well, just too much like
hard work for jolly ol’ Joe Hockey, who opted for the gastric band, which means
he can still chow down on a hamburger, as long as he throws it in the mincer
first. And it looks like Julie Bishop’s been lending the boys some of her
tan-in-a-can, because the entire front bench looks like they spend cabinet
meetings sunbaking on the back of Gina Rinehart’s yacht.
But of course, Tony Abbott has had the greatest metamorphosis
of all. There’s the unrelenting wearing of the pale blue tie to perfectly
accent the “I’m a Good Bloke, trust me” informal tag line. And it does look
suspiciously as though he’s taken a few tips from the PM’s hairdresser and partner,
Tim Mathieson and rinsed the grey edges from his crop. His catch cry morphs to “I’m
a good bloke, I help out the Nippers and look! I’m A New Age Guy not afraid to
colour his hair, heh heh heh!”
But the Year of the Snake emphasises the need to be on the
defence. No bold moves unless provoked. Which is probably why Abbott has
decided to pull the plug on his regular TV appearances. Everyone knows that
this is his election to lose, and you lose unlosable elections by stuffing up.
So it makes sense that his team would be micro-managing his appearances within
an inch of his life so he can avoid the inevitable gaffes that the ALP is
holding its breath for him to make. He’s going to stay in the long grass,
watching while his frontbenchers stick their necks out. They’ll bat away at the
Government and let him hibernate. Sure, he’ll plant a few cold kisses on
babies’ cheeks, wave a few ‘vision things’ around and keep wearing the blue
ties, but there will be a lot less of him hustling from the sidelines. His
self-talk is likely to be, “When in doubt, wheel Hockey/Turnbull/Bishop out’ to
face the media scrum.
For Gillard, this poses a challenge: how to lure the snake
out of the grass long enough for him to be exposed and vulnerable to a gaffe of
misogynistic proportions? Pretty
difficult, especially when he’s dimmed the lights in the gladiator dome of
breakfast television. But he’s not her only worry. According to some Chinese
astrologers, 2013 will see “fire in the water” (although “fire in the hole” is
perhaps a more apt description regarding the Craig Thompson effect on the ALP).
Interestingly, 2012 was the Chinese year of the Dragon;
renowned by being dramatic, full of lavish and unpredictable events. As our politicians
shed their damaged skins from a turbulent, aggressive and largely unproductive
2012, it will be fascinating to watch who emerges victorious in a year when
cunning, intellect and quiet, steady progress is favoured to bode well.